The Common Understanding of Settling is a Hot Mess
I’m regularly annoyed and sometimes even disturbed to see relationship experts and therapists posting content that recommends settling.
No, you aren’t guaranteed happiness with a perfect person from a checklist, I agree with that, but it IS possible to be very excited about someone who is both sexy *to you* as well as a practical match.
***Secure love and excitement are not mutually exclusive.***
When you tell people to settle without helping them to understand their desires, it is a recipe for disempowered and disappointing decisions.
I also fear that being told to settle by an expert leads to shame, and worse, making a choice simply because that expert thought it best.
Any advice that comes close to, “never mind what you really want!” will create more distance from self trust. People in positions of authority should be SO mindful about their language here.
I see a lot of people confused about this…
“Should I not care about attraction?”
“Should I keep going on dates with this person I think is boring and meh just because they’re nice?”
It is very common to feel confused about what we want and we’ve all been conditioned with beliefs about what we SHOULD want.
The work here is to honor and unpack the resistance. Let it be in the room with us and normalize uncertainty.
Then we also have to feel into what attraction means to us:
Am I confusing insecurity for excitement?
Am I looking for a hot model that will impress my friends?
Is it confronting to feel strongly about someone who looks or acts differently than what I expected from a future partner?
Do I really enjoy this person but feel scared to go all in and trust that they really are this reliable and loving?
Deciding and moving forward can often take the pressure off, but getting to the place of being able to decide will probably take some introspection and embodiment work.
If you struggle with commitment, trust, or intimacy in general, what I want for you is sustainable improvement and capacity for closeness.
I want to hold you as you leap, not push you off the cliff.