"I just Need to Find The Right Partner, Then I'll be Happy and Everything Will Work Out"
I hear this AND OTHER SUCH EXCUSES constantly.
"When the timing is right,"..."When the right match finally comes along,"...."When I find someone I REALLY LIKE," ...."Then everything will JUST WORK OUT."
Another theme to this magical "someday" is..."When I'M perfect," ...."When I have the perfect house and have found my groove in my dream community," ..."When I finally learn to be cool and never make mistakes or say the wrong thing."
I get these comments a lot in particular because I work with avoidantly attached people who are geniuses at coming up with why right now, this person, this job, isn't perfect enough. Perfect is a defense mechanism.
The idea of the "right partner" is a moat around your castle and it is filled with alligators named judgement and criticism.
(The defense alligators are always scanning for any imperfections to disqualify potential partners, they might even gobble somebody up for being "too good to be true, ...or, "liking me too much." They also like to snatch up anybody that threatens our own ideas about how 'not enough' we are....Ouch.) Simply by holding the belief that there is always something better coming or some peak level of perfection for you to attain....you are deepening your beliefs and behaviors toward kicking the can down the road....toward a grass is always greener mentality....toward not enough-ness.
If you just wait for perfect to come along or keep tweaking yourself until you magically no longer have any flaws....but don't do anything to correct your defense mechanisms that keep love out, then this is the mindset and the routine that you will be steeped in when that "right partner" actually does come along.
(Hint about that "right partner": if you're in your 30s, 40s, 50s you've already met at least one if not several).
Without realizing it or intending to, you will sabotage or file every "right person" away into the not today file until you get sick of your own shit and/or until you work with someone that actually specializes in relationships and can actually help you retrain your nervous system and habits, not just listen to your genius excuse-making.
(Seriously, you're so smart and that intelligence could be put to better use than protecting yourself from hotties who want to love you.)
This isn't just for single people either. (Maybe your partner made it past the alligators, but now they're trapped in the castle lobby being watched by a shifty-eyed painting. Eek!)
For many, the status quo of relationships is commitment without true intimacy. I know A LOT of you are out there. You've got a great partner but you aren't sharing as vulnerably or connecting as passionately as you'd like because one or both of you is scared and you don't have the practice or the safety to try anything else.
Don't leave love up to chance.
Don't let your avoidance or the alligators gobble up all of your opportunities. Don't lock your partners into the cold, unattended chambers of your heart castle (listen if you got this far, you're bought into the metaphor!). I've got you and I'm not as easy to trick as the people you hire to simply validate you. I won't let you go into your ruts and I especially won't let you spiral into the mojo-killing shame and perfectionism that probably feels like it is built into your DNA at this point.
You want this kind of transformation that lets you KEEP the right partners, not just find them.
The great news is that you have the opportunity to try working closely with me right now with no long-term commitment by signing up for a Breakthrough Session. Schedule now so you can get some next-level insight as early as this week
See you soon!