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Giving critiques can often feel more familiar and easy than giving love

Sometimes judgement feels like the only safe way to say, “I care.”

Being sincere is hard and vulnerable.

Intimacy, true vulnerable intimacy, is foreign to most of us.

Because instead of saying, “I love you,” your parents nagged you about your coat.

Instead of saying, “I want the best for you,” or, “I’m afraid of losing you,” loved ones nitpick our choices.

Something I experience a lot personally, and I’ve been chatting with a lot of clients about, is the judgement we internalize.

We worry about what others will think. We worry that we’re not living up to the highly critical and prescriptive models for what a relationship is supposed to look like.

We get in our heads. We let the potential judgement of others start to influence how we feel about our relationships.

And the way I check myself, and what I share with others, is that:

#1 people are often projecting their own s%#t (so maybe let’s not take them too seriously)


#2 what if instead of panicking, we try to understand the feeling and motivation underneath the judgment.

Feedback is important.

How people make us feel matters.

But we don’t have to absorb every opinion or sideways glance that comes our way.

Before you get defensive or change your behavior, check in with yourself and your core values and desires.

What does it mean for you to be authentic and aligned? Are these outside opinions or things you read online really aligned with who you actually are? Or are they upholding some impossible standard that's not connected to your reality? You don't have to make excuses for people, but, as always, I encourage you to see the judgements and criticisms people bring to you as their attempt at love. I urge you to notice where you're inclined to assume that everyone else knows better than you do. Have mercy on yourself and take them off the pedestal. And then let it go!

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