I have a subconscious belief that love should be hard. That I have to earn it through struggle, proving myself, and sticking around no matter what.
I tend to fall hard for unavailable, but hardworking people. Surely these people who are so committed to a mission, their job, their family, their spiritual growth must be equally willing to commit to me and go through the depths together.
....ehhhh. So far? Not really.
Some of them have truly enjoyed the churn with me. The push and pull of maybe. The fuck around and find out. I like intensity and they like the battle...the drama of uncertainty...the simultaneous draw of a magnificent woman and the feeling of being terrified by intimacy. (Subconsciously that is. That subconscious thrill is what I mean when I refer to 'shadow'.)
I'm not talking about dating, either. I'm talking serious, long-term relationships. Although they have all been very different people, the common thread that ties them all together is that they are all unavailable to some degree.
So as I work to heal this pattern it might seem natural that I'd give into the other type of people who often fall into my orbit. The swooners. The poets. The facetime-you-nine-times-in-one-day folks.
But to me, that's not better, it's just a different kind of shadow.
I also think that my shadow---feeling that I need to work hard to earn love----is tied to a value of truly wanting unique connections with peers. People who have just as much interest in healing as I do, who are incredibly self-aware and whose affection is based in genuine interest.
People who really see me and who are not just pulled into my aura like gnats around a glowing lantern.
Then I hope those people are inspired to action and willing to show up, move things forward, facetime me a reasonable, if maybe even slightly enthusiastic, amount. People who don't leave me guessing.
Does this resonate? Where might you be overcorrecting on your path to healing and where do you feel you could learn a little from your shadow?
Book a session with me to chat about it https://calendly.com/indelicate_coaching
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Veronica