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Independent, Reserved, and Aloof People Need Deeper Connection, Not Less

More connection not less.


A discovery from my own avoidant moments.


Sometimes people confuse my resistance to closeness as a desire to be alone or aversion to affection which could not be farther from the truth.


I just won’t do superficial intimacy (even if some more casual friendliness can sometimes be a super helpful social skill).


This is not to judge people who find intimacy with lots of people super easy. Bless you. I am not morally superior.


What I am, is a person who has a high threshold of trust that takes years…even if we hit it off right away.


This isn’t just an introvert thing, either.


I know plenty of extroverts who lean avoidant in their close relationships. They too can have many layers like an onion.


You know these people too:


✨ It’s your curmudgeonly Dad who is actually just too sensitive for his own good and needs a lot of energetic space


✨ It’s a touched out Mom who wants to feel like your attention is for her and not just another person trying to get something from her


✨ It’s the husband who takes care of everybody else and swoops in for every hurt feeling and family crisis who never gets the same level of care


✨ It’s your first-born kid who probably had more figuring out to do on their own than the other kids or who has faced more criticism or well-intended worry from adults


✨ It’s the person who grew up with parents who leaned on them for emotional support or who never got to be a kid


✨ It’s somebody who moved a lot or who is used to losing people


The list goes on and you know plenty of them.


They are the people who seem like they have it all together or who resist your little bids for connection.


If you love these people, don’t give up on them. Try going a little bit at their pace and a little bit at yours. Take turns being a little uncomfy.


If you actually don’t care but you’re just annoyed that we’re not opening up right away, kindly frick off.


I will not bare my soul for you if you’re not sticking around.


That’s the thing. It’s not that we need less connection. We need more! But it must be in ways that count.

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Feeling your resistance is the answer, hun.

What if the frustration, relationship anxiety, disappointment, ick, trigger, shut down, blah.... Is not a setback in your healing or relationship, but the catalyst that lands you exactly where and WHO

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