This is the story of a formerly *very* anxious wife and a guarded husband who have been experiencing some intense conflict in the last two years of their 15+ year union. This incredible woman has had plenty of reasons in her life to feel anxious, some unrelated to her marriage and some a very valid and rational response to challenges in this relationship. Similarly, his guarded nature is not her fault, but some of her anxious responses to him have reinforced his trauma-based fears and left him feeling unseen and misunderstood.
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We're in our bedroom and I can feel myself wanting sx because I know he will be out later tonight. I want to feel close and chosen but the energy of the wanting feels icky. I know he can feel that too. We make our way to the kitchen where I say out loud..."this feels like a heavy expectation for you to have to perform for me before you go out." He responds, "Actually, yes. Of course, I love you and you're my wife."
Instead of taking anything personally or feeling rejected, I get quiet. I release the need or expectation to convince or get anything from him.
I drop deep into my pssy before walking over to him, feeling my center and my power.
As I get close, I say, "that must be really tough," and kiss him softly.
He meets me with desire and excitement in his body. [Editor's note: skipping some details because this story is too hot for the internet.]
He pulls me in and as we fck on the counter, I say..."I'm responsible for this too.....the energy that I'm feeling and giving to you matters." He agrees and expresses his love and trust for me in ways I have been so eager to receive but couldn't get from our fights and endless conversations. _____________
There's a lot of backstory with these two including a lot of hurt. It would make plenty of logical sense for either of them to pull away instead of move toward each other like this. Yet to pull away and act out of pride is not what they truly desire. They want to be close and to be understood by their dearest person, that's why they came to me.
What seems so easy in the story above is the result of a year of shedding extreme anxiety, subconscious healing, and repairing deep wounds.
She is truly in her self energy, not living out the agenda of her defense mechanisms. This is a completely different physiological, emotional, and spiritual experience from the edge of anxiety that has driven her for so long.
Holding herself and bringing vulnerable accountability to her partner with genuine empathy for his experience meant that he could relax and drop his own defenses which generated an authentic turn on for both of them. Not only that, she is realizing how powerful her own energy is to bring either discord or love to her marriage no matter how her husband is behaving.
In this tender example, the "facts" and history don't matter. There are no debates. No discussion of who owes the other person anything. Just two people softening their hearts and armor to have an organic moment of connection. [In other words, this is the story of a woman owning her power and a man getting hard for empathy...how fun is that?]
So much of what usually comes up in couple's counseling is talk talk talk or asking your partner to show up in a certain way so you can respond in kind.
What an anxious partner (regardless of attachment style) often fails to realize from the place of making demands--no matter how sweet or sound--is that our energy goes first and is communicating a whole story for us before we ever speak.
In 1:1 and partner sessions with me, you too can harness this power. You can learn to be the holder and master of your own energy. You can unburden subconscious patterns that have disconnected you from your authentic self and you can break the cycle of unnecessary conflict in your intimate relationships.
Book a session today!